Me You Baby Midnight
by Me. You. Baby. Tonight
Summary: Dean knows that his life has never been easy. He has always known it, but for the first time the weight of his regrets crushes him down like it never has before, even through the toughest times. He realizes this outside his high school, while laying on the ground with a corpse besides him. He never thought it could get so low.


Dean knows that his life has never been easy. He has always known it, but for the first time the weight of his regrets crushes him down like it never has before, even through the toughest times. He realizes this outside his high school, while laying on the ground with a corpse besides him. He never thought it could get so low.

Dean slams the door of the Impala shut.

"Dean!" A voice he knows too well screams. Dean doesn't think twice to turn around and spread his arms open to his friend. He has been waiting for this moment for over a week, coming back home. It felt like an eternity as he and Sam, his little brother, had to leave their house and get into John's car. And by "their" house, he means his and Sam's, because "dad", John, the few times he's there, only feels like a ghost in his dad's body. Dean barely notices when he returns home. He doesn't take care of anything, worse, of anyone, anymore. Not even himself. It just means double the job for Dean, who has to make dinner for him and slide it under John's bedroom door, or wash his clothes mixed with his and Sam's. He hasn't called him dad, rather, he hasn't called him at all, since the first time he left. Dean was only 14. He doesn't have the heart to report the situation to the authorities. Maybe it's because he's afraid of what would come next. Sam has been the only pillar of his life, and Dean knows it's the same for him. Nobody will ever take that away from him. He has already lost everything else. He and Sam can take care of themselves. They have been, for years on end. He can't handle the thought of being separated.

Dean brushes away all of that grime out of his head as he feels Cas wrap around him. It's less warm of a hug than he's used to, but he feels that's because his father is still there, right behind them. They break apart as Sam follows John inside the house, leaving them alone.

"Hey! Where have you been? You didn't tell me you were leaving, I was worried, Dean!" Cas says with a frown of concern on his face. He can't hide the disappointment, thinks Dean. But Cas does know Dean would never leave him like this. "I'm sorry Cas, it's been tough. Saturday John came back home. Was acting all "normal", until he said this time he has to bring us with him, for a job in California. And we had to leave immediately. I swear i tried to convince him to leave us here, that we don't even know what his job is etc. He replied that that was exactly the point. I think he just picked up on the fact that we're too young to be left alone this long".

"That sound too responsible for him. Maybe he changed?" Cas says, staring more intensely in Dean's eyes.

"Cas, you know he always promised. Hell! Promising is all he can do! But he never acts on it, and this is no exception" Dean pauses, emotionally exhausted. He takes a breath, and continues "I've found something out: whatever he's doing, it can't be legal" he whispers that last part. "What do you mean?" Cas asks raising an eyebrow. "I'll tell you later" Dean replies. "Me. You. Baby. Midnight." Dean states. "Alright". Cas turns, starting to walk away. As he picks his bike up from the spot in the grass where he shoved it in, he stops for a moment, turns his head and says "I'm glad you're back", loud enough that only Dean can hear him. There's no one around anyway. Dean, who in the meantime hasn't moved an inch, letting gravity do its thing and pull him to the ground, like it's the only thing that keeps him from collapsing, recomposes himself and raises his pupils to stare right at Cas's, though his eyelashes. His eyes sparkling for the first time in a week, "Me too, Cas."

Once he gets back inside, all the sparkles have disappeared.

Dean lays in bed, completely clothed, the watch on the bedside reminds him that it's getting closer and closer to midnight. I mean, it's still a couple of minutes after 11pm, but he has nothing to do. Might as well wait like that. Or so he thinks, even though he feels something inside that he cannot explain. It's like anxiety, but without the negative connotation.

Seen that he has an hour to spare, he lets his mind drift away. Usually, he would think about Sam, or Mom, and their few, true, happy memories together. Most of them are before the fire. Mom engaging in a snowball fight with them on a cold December morning. Dean making Sam pancakes for breakfast in a dadless house. These thoughts always end on a sour note, though. He can't help but be reminded of that damned night. When the fire took over his life and never left since. The night his mother died, trapped in that hell of a house. Just because Dean couldn't save her. And neither could anyone else. That's when everything started turning to shit.

Dean can't handle these thoughts anymore. A lonely tear runs down his cheek. They'll never stop hurting. At that point he would pick up his radio, put music as loud as the speaker can handle, to try and suffocate the sound of his mom's screams.

Today it's different. Dean finds himself thinking of other happy memories, his best friend, Cas. He knows that Cas has always been right besides him at all times, since he can remember, at least. He was always a shoulder to lean on to, whenever. He refrains from these thoughts, he can't allow himself to think about Cas in this way. Dean knows nothing good ever happens to him or the people in his life, and even if it does, it never lasts.

He stops concerning about why he's thinking about Cas and lets himself go. Cas has always been the smart type, he was the thinker and Dean the doer. He didn't have many other friends besides Dean, and Dean himself could not pinpoint what kept them so close together. But when he's with him everything clears up, he feels lighter, and that's enough for him.

When they were 11, Cas' classmates started noticing that he sticked out for his quirky behavior, what he said and the way he said it, how much he was a smartass, as Dean teased him. Because they couldn't handle it for some reason, or didn't think it was interesting (like Dean did) he got bullied. Dean didn't find out until later, when, after a couple of weeks, he found Cas outside school in the spot they always met to walk home together. Except this time he was on the ground, crying softly in the corner, with an open wound on his cheek. Dean was furious, Cas had never seen him like that before. At first, Cas had tried to make up excuses, but he quickly realized Dean was having none of it.

Dean soon found out who they were (those bastards were bragging about it in the hallways) and threatened them. They never came close to Cas ever again. He even threw a punch for good measure, to the jerk that had hit him the other day. He got grounded for that, but he didn't care one bit, even if Cas felt very sorry that he had to pay. Dean grins to the thought of what he did. He's still very proud. That event made them closer than ever, they never got an inch apart since.

Dean is one of those people that gives all or nothing. No gray area. He doesn't hand out his trust out to anyone, but if he does, you can rest assured he'll be as loyal as a puppy.

In fact, Dean and Cas have never been away from each other this long. They grew up together, through the bad and the very few goods. He only now realizes how much he really missed him. And, (this leaves Dean startled for a moment there) he missed not only his friendship, walks, bike rides together, he missed him, the comfort, his laugh, his eyes. Jesus, thinks Dean recalling the looks they exchanged earlier, he imagines they're as blue as it can get. As blue as he imagines the ocean to be. Maybe one day they could go see for themselves if the color matches that closely.

Ashamed of these thoughts about his best friend, he passes a hand on his face in an attempt to refocus. He turns, and…

"Fuck!" he murmurs to himself, the clock's pointer towards 12. It's 12:10 already! Cas is waiting for me.

Cas has been waiting outside Dean's house only for 10 minutes but his body can't help but tense up. All of the what ifs run through his mind, Dean is never late. Maybe his dad found out, maybe he fell asleep, maybe he doesn't want to see me. That last thought hurts the most, but he pushes it aside, sits down on the stairs of the porch and waits a little longer. It's not like he will give up that fast. Cas is scared and excited at the same time. "Me. You. Baby. Midnight." that phrase still runs through his head and doesn't leave him alone. Worse, Cas doesn't know why.

It's a concept they explored many times since Dean took his license. Seems like the only right thing John Winchester ever did is to teach Dean to drive. Even though Dean's a natural, just like his father, and loves it. Whenever he has the chance to take "Baby", John's '67 Chevy Impala for a ride, he always does. It only happens when John is not out on one of his "business" calls. Cas is flattered he's the one chosen most of the time to enjoy the ride in the passenger seat. By now, Cas knows Dean so well they don't even need to talk to communicate. Dean will play his music, AC/DC most probably, and even if that's not really Cas' cup of tea he sits besides him, with his feet on the dashboard (only Cas is allowed that), humming along while Dean has a full-blown karaoke session. Cas feels a little flutter inside thinking that he gets to do that again tonight. He quickly pushes that thought down. It's not like Dean feels the same, he thinks. If he could hear it, he would call it for what it is, some "sappy shit". Something wakes Cas up from his daydreaming. It's the sound of a key struggling to fit into a lock. He hopes it's Dean.

As he turns around, there he is, dressed in black from head to toe, blurry as he mixes into the night. The only clue that it is indeed Dean (other than the fact that he's outside his house of course) are his green, almond shaped eyes. He puts his hood on as he walks out of the doorframe. Cas is getting kinda cold, he realizes. "Cas" he says, "I'm sorry i made you wait out here in the cold". "It's okay" says Cas with a smile. Dean guides him towards the car, fondly known as "Baby", with a nod. As they get inside, Cas hides a shiver from the temperature range, and Dean turns the car on, gear in reverse. Once they're out of the alleyway, Dean speeds off.

"Where are we going?" Asks Cas. "Well, first, to get snacks, because priorities, and then… I don't know actually", as he turns towards Cas. "I'm a bit hungry myself" he says with a grin.

"Did you discover any new places while i was gone?"

"Not really, it's not as fun to explore when you're alone" Silence, Dean does not respond.

"Oh, actually" He continues, "I might know a place. I stumbled upon it by chance returning from school. It's near the river"

"What is it?"

"Um, you'll see it"

"Do you know how to get there?"

"Sure, I'll guide you".

Once they get to the gas station, Dean stops to put some petrol in the car to make sure John won't notice the amount missing, while Cas gets headed towards the 24h shop inside the station. "What'd you like?" he asks nonchalantly. "Anything, you know my taste anyway."

"Sweet or salty?" Cas asks even if he's already sure of Dean's answer. "Both, duh" says Dean like it's the most obvious thing in the world.

Cas comes back with sour candy, chocolate bars and chips. Oh, and two beers. He gets into the passenger seat where Dean's waiting for him.

"Cool. She didn't ask for my ID" "What?! No way!" Cas knows Dean loves beer. "Yea, only took me a little bit of flirting there" Dean is in awe. "Look at you. I leave for a week and you become the next Cas-anova". The joke's too stupid but Cas laughs anyways. Dean joins him as he starts the car.

"I'm curious now, where is it?". Cas guides him until Dean sees it. It's a bridge, the highest they've both ever seen. At least 100 feet overhanging the river. They get out of the car and walk up to the same spot, sitting with their feet dangling towards the abyss. They open the beer: Dean can do it with his mouth, and Cas stares a bit too long, and have a toast. Dean tells himself he needs to be drunk for what he's about to reveal.

As he takes the first sip, he rambles on "So, I said I needed to explain. I never wondered where John went when he was gone, as long as he didn't put me or Sam in danger, you know? I never asked, I didn't care. But now that I know, Cas, I don't know what to do about it. I can't tell anyone" Dean exhales with a sigh.

"You can tell me" entails Cas.

"Yeah, I am telling you, it's just… you can't tell anyone, Cas" Dean turns with a pleading look on his face.

"Dean, everything you tell me stays between you and me". Encouraging him to talk.

Dean seems to get a bit more relaxed. "So he takes us to this place in Cali" Dean continues "I didn't pick up that much, but he's basically involved with some mexican cartell on the other side of the border. He takes the cargo from Cali to other states, to other dealers. I don't know much more than that".

"Shit Dean, that's fucked up! You can't keep living with him, it's not safe"

"you don't understand Cas, there's no other way. Don't you think I would have already gotten out of the situation if I could?" Spits out, in a mix of rage and desperation.

"I can't go on like this, but I can't tell anyone cause what will happen then?" Dean pauses. "He brings home the money and I don't want social workers to get involved. It never ends up well" They already had this conversation many times. Cas doesn't push anymore.

"Listen, I just needed to get it out of my chest, to let someone know. Someone I trust". He looks up at Cas with a softened gaze. Cas is angry but won't get it out on Dean. He definitely would on John, if he ever has the chance.

"If you don't want to act on it, that's your decision. I respect it. I trust you too, you know?". Dean is glad to hear it. He was sure Cas wouldn't disappoint. They stay there for awhile, eating and talking about a girl Dean is seeing. But to be honest, they could talk just about anything. What Cas doesn't tell him is that a little sneaky spear goes right through his heart when he hears the girl's name. It could have been any name other than his and it would have had the same effect. But Cas doesn't like to think about it too much, he's just jealous of their friendship. That's to be expected.

Soon they realize it's 2am already, and tomorrow they have school. As Cas points it out, Dean stops laughing mid air and is brought back to reality. He helps Cas get up, and drives him home. Cas watches Dean with amusement as he screams along "Born in the USA" on the way back. He feels at ease, at home. He joins in, and Dean smiles.

"Night Cas" he says as he turns the volume down approaching Cas' house. "Night Dean". And he's gone.

He's so tired once he gets to bed, he doesn't even touch the mattress and he's asleep. The last image in is head is Dean, hair in the wind, focused on the street, smiling ahead, but definitely towards him.

When Dean wakes up, it's like any other morning. He makes breakfast and in 10 minutes he's ready for school. He first needs to drop Sam at the schoolbus station, just like he did every day for the past 7 years. I mean, the dude is 14 now but Dean doesn't seem to notice, even though Sam always makes a fuss about it. After that, he takes his bike to reach Cas' house. They only live 5 minutes apart if you bike fast enough. They have a race on the way.

"How'd you sleep?" Dean shouts towards Cas. "Well enough, though my head hurts a little". "It's the beer, you pussy! Can't even handle one beer" Dean shakes his head. Cas intensifies his gaze and flies ahead of Dean, cutting his way.

"It's a challenge then, uh?". And they're off.

Dean gets first place. Cas's used to it, and doesn't mind. Before getting through the front entrance, as they're securing the bikes, Dean asks a bit nervously: "Um, tomorrow's friday! You wanna come on a camping trip? Sam's at church camp" Cas is suddenly all ears. "I know a cool place, you'll love it. We can stay the whole weekend".

Cas can't hide his surprise. It's been awhile since they last camped together. Besides, Sam was always there too. "Yes! Can't wait" he finally responds enthusiastically.

He and Cas only have a couple of classes together, but today none. Dean doesn't like to see Cas at school all that much, probably because they feel so differently about the whole education thing.

Cas is very smart, and even if he doesn't like to show off, everyone knows. When they're in class, they're total opposites. Cas has few friends, he sits quietly with them at lunch, and you can find him at the back of the classroom, always focused and ready to engage. Dean instead is very unwilling to follow any of the lessons. He knows he could do so much better for himself if he only cared or tried enough. He hopes his football career will make up for his lack of commitment. Dean's very sociable and outgoing, you can bet on him to know every single kid in school.

Sometimes he and Cas don't even sit together in maths. They already spend so much time together. He'd distract Cas. Dean knows that's not the reason, but hopes Cas doesn't mind. Not as much at least.

In the cafeteria, Dean always lets his eyes wonder through the tables and all of the faces until he finds the blue eyes he's looking for. They can't be mistaken. Today, Dean walks up behind him and scares him. It works! Cas almost sends his tray flying across the room. Cas sends him one of his most furious gazes, but that only makes Dean laugh even harder. "Those puppy eyes couldn't scare a fly" He tells him. Dean stays there a minute chatting with Cas and his friends, until Dean's friends catch his attention with a gesture of impatience. "We're waiting for you, Dean-o! Come on!" They shout. Dean's gaze turns back on Cas. "Hey, gotta go! See ya after school, Cas". He says as he approaches his clique. "Bye" responds Castiel once Dean can't hear it anymore.

At the end of the school day, Cas gets out of the building, thrilled to see Dean. He wants to know all about what they're going to do up the mountain: fishing, hiking, roasting marshmallows, he could take his guitar and play something Dean likes around the campfire.

As he notices the free spot next to his bike, he shooks his head in disappointment, gets on his bike and rides fast, alone.

As he passes in front of Dean's house on the way back, he sees him standing there with a girl. He's startled at first, but then he recalls yesterday's convo. What was her name? "Dean! Anna!" He remembers. He almost falls from his bike, failing to notice the low fence in between the pavement and Dean's lawn. He catches Dean's attention and sees him get closer. "Hey Cas! Sorry, I had to leave. But I can count on you for tomorrow,right? 9am" Dean puts up a genuine smile, and Cas can't resist. "Great" He replies, and bikes away. Always been one of his weaknesses, can't stay mad for too long. Let alone with Dean. It'd be more accurate to say that Dean is Cas's only true weakness.

The evening passes in the blink of an eye for both of them. Cas is up and ready by 7am. Gets out his camping duffle bag, puts everything he think he'll need for the weekend inside. Dean always brings the tent and sleeping bag for the two of them. I mean, he's the camping expert. He knows how to start the fire, and remembers all of the trails like the back of his hand. He never got lost once in his life. He's able to find a spot to put up the tent even in the worst terrain. Cas can only learn, but he's the best at recognizing the juiciest berries to eat and knows each and every animal or plant they encounter. They make up the perfect boy scout team.

What makes Dean sad, though, is that there was a time in his life when John did teach him all of this. He once was a real father to him. That man's long gone.

Now he's 16, but he has taken his father place well before becoming a man himself.

Cas gets down to the kitchen, all ready in his favorite sweatpants, Elvis t-shirt and grey hoodie. He takes out the emergency kit from the kitchen cupboard and puts it into the duffle bag dangling from his shoulder. His father shifts his attention from the newspaper, and still with a cup of coffee in his hands, asks Cas what he's up to. "I'm heading to the woods with Dean, we're staying tonight and tomorrow too...Oh, Dad, could I borrow your pen knife? you know, could be useful up there". Castiel's dad smiles and gets it out of his pocket. Cas knows to take care of it, his dad values it very much. His mother tries not to sound too motherly when she reminds them be safe, but Cas rolls his eyes, kisses her distracly on the cheek, and storms out with a toast stuffed in his mouth. 2 seconds later he comes back in, he forgot the keys. Smiles to his parents, gets the keys, and disappears as fast as he came into view.

He takes his bike to get to Dean's, but Cas wonders if Dean got his father's permission to use Baby.

Once he gets there, Dean is already stuffing the trunk full. When he hands his bag out to Dean, it barely fits. Dean closes the hood firmly, puts up a gummy smile and gets inside. Cas follows him, handing Dean another of the toasts he stole from breakfast. Dean eats it voraciously with one hand on the wheel.

"I see you're in Elvis mood today, uh?"

"Exactly" nods Cas, taking out Elvis' tape form the glove compartment.

With jailhouse rock in the background, Cas informs Dean about the food they need to get. "Hamburgers and pie, for sure" mutters Dean, with crumbs all over his mouth.

"Yeah i figured That much, Dean".

They stop and buy enough meat for grilling to end world hunger.

It takes them about an hour, or 4 cassettes to get to The Place. Deans calls it that, like it's the only worthy place in the world. It's the perfect spot, really. A glade flanking the river, surrounded by a forest so dense you can barely see through it. They leave Baby as close as they can from the trail, and they're right above it. The view is stunning. At that point, the river's flow takes a 90 degree turn toward the ground and descends into a thunderous waterfall. They take out all of the bags and it takes them a couple of trips up and down to get everything.

Once the campsite is set up, seeing how sweaty they've become, they can't resist the freshness of the water, even if it's a cold november day. They take Just a dip, splashing each other and diving from the shallow rocks near the fall. Dean chickens out first and gets out, scrambling to find his towel. He dries his hair out with it, head down, his shallow abs tensing up to the touch of cold air. Cas tries too hard not to stare. As soon as he gets out as well, he's a bit uncomfortable. It doesn't feel as innocent to swim together as when they were younger. They would be conscious of it, but without anyone there besides each other, the tension doesn't last for long.

They change and get into dry clothes, hair still damp and shaggy. Dean focuses on the spot where they've laid the wood for the fire. He soon manages to light it up. They're hungry, and Cas gets the burgers out to be flame-grilled. He watches Dean's lean figure through the fire, drops of sweat drip over his forehead for the closeness to the heat. Sparkles reflect onto his pupils, making them seem like a forest on fire. Very fitting, Cas thinks.

After a big meal, they just lay by the mellow fire, watching the night's sky, and talking about nothing and everything, at the same time.

Dean knows Cas' passion is to become a journalist. Not an ordinary one, oh no, one of those freelance, brave journalists. Cas is aware that Dean doesn't like to talk about his future that much, that he likes to take life day by day. He's also aware that that's not a conscious choice, but the life he's had lead him blindly to this perspective. Cas tells him he could be anything if he wants to, but deep down Dean doesn't buy it.

At some point, Cas says something but receives silence in response. He doesn't need to turn his head to realise that Dean has fallen asleep.

Because Cas knows Dean's a heavy sleeper, just as the first snore he lets out proves it, he takes the chance to get his guitar out and play something. As the D (D for Dean) note of Harvest moon by Neil Young starts playing, it's the only sound for miles. It envelops the air all around the glade, wraps around the tip of the branches of the trees, and is carried away by the flow of the river current. "Come a little bit closer, hear what I have to say…". Cas gets carried away too. He wonders if Dean maybe deep down is listening, if he understands.

Once he realizes there's no hope, he wakes Dean up and they both get inside the tent.

The only thing that awakens Dean 8 hours later is the sunshine creeping through the half-open zip of the tent.

Right after, he's wide awake. Dean doesn't want to waste this short vacation one bit. He's in his element. As soon as he's bathed in sunlight, he takes a deep breath, yawns, and he's as good as new. He knows better than to wake Cas up, he is definitely not a morning person. Instead, he makes enough coffee for both. He'll wait to cook the eggs until Cas hints at being still alive.

It's a good day, it's not as cold as the morning before, and they have breakfast by the river. They spend the afternoon hiking up to the lake that expands from the river more or less at a mile from their spot. Or so Dean says. They sing and tease each other on the way there. Once they've comeback to the glade, they're so tired no one offers to make dinner. They sit side by side, hearts still pounding from the hike, and covered in dirt from the mud fight they had midway back. At some point they end up into each other's eyes. And that's when they snap.

THE TURNING POINT

Cas has never kissed a man before. To be honest, he has never kissed anyone like that before. He wonders why it never came so natural to him. He felt like there was nothing else he could do, but to kiss Dean.

He still can't fully realize what he's doing but it's too late and he can't go back now. He doesn't want to.

He's pressing his lips against Dean's, with his eyes closed shut, so afraid but determined. As soon as he relaxes a bit, to let Dean breathe at least, Dean doesn't let him push away but puts an open hand softly on his cheek, to keep him exactly where he is. As soon as Cas realizes Dean's not rejecting him, he completely breaks down and lets himself be pliable to Dean's touch.

It doesn't last as long as Cas would like to. Once Dean feels Cas' kiss get more intense, he snaps back to reality. It's too much, he can't handle it. He pulls Cas shoulder away and gets back up. He's hyperventilating and almost trembling. Cas can see the shift in his eyes right away, how they go from the Dean he has always known to the facade Dean puts up.

Cas soon realizes what he has done to Dean. He wasn't ready. He starts apologizing right away, but Dean quickly shuts him down.

"What the fuck was that?" He blurts disgusted. "Fuck, I...didn't mean it. It never happened. I don't know what it meant to you but, I can't do this. No fucking way. That's not me. I'm not like that"

Cas has never been hurt by words like that before. And he was bullied since he was a kid. Even if now he's 5'9" feet tall, with a naturally strong build, even wider than Dean, in that moment he still feels like the kid left on the playground outside school to cry. He has exposed so much of himself to Dean he's defenseless. He is frail like a solo-standing tan autumn leaf.

Dean can see the shock and fear in Cas' eyes, the regret for what he has let out. But in return, he only piles on. "Cas I can't. It's not okay, my life is already enough of a mess as it is, did you really had to make it worse? I can't deal with this. Sam can't deal with this. This is not what you think it is. Never been. I guess I shouldn't have brought you here. I thought we were friends". At this point, Cas' hurt becomes his only weapon. It makes him stronger against Dean's accusations. "We are friends, Dean. There's no denying that. You asked me to come here, i know this is not you Dean. You always had something deep down that wanted to come out. It's not my fault, you had it all along, i only let it out. I thought I was doing you a favor. I mean I never was sure, but… You kissed ms Dean"

"I've enough stuff to think about already. I can't have you in my life anymore. We need to end this, whatever it was"

"Dean,I…"

"Shut up Cas, that's it, I'm done…You never meant anything to me"

Cas feels something break inside of him. He hasn't gotten the will to reply anymore. He shuts himself down trying to build a wall between them. He knows it's not going to be an easy task. He hopes he'll come to his senses. The one standing before him, it's the socially acceptable Dean, clever, funny, strong like a beam of steel, the Dean that lets no one in and still keeps everything to himself. Like everything it's his burden and no one else's. Cas is not used to being on the other side of that wall of steel. Cold, artificial, firm on his conviction. Cas thinks he might broke something that can never be put back together. And that's all his fault.

They silently take everything from the campsite and rush to pack up. Dean shoves everything messily into Baby. They avoid eye contact at all costs. Even if it's ridiculous. But they don't laugh one bit.

Dean unwillingly has to take Cas home, even after all of this. He thought about leaving him there, but for some reason, he can't bring himself to do it. Cas is glad even if he doesn't say anything, his gaze still empty and devastated. There's no music on the way home. Just umberable and heavy silence. It's completely different from the peaceful and pleasant silence he's used to with Dean,thinks Cas.

Dean stops by Cas' house and doesn't move a muscle. He waits for Cas to get his bag out of the car. Once he hears the hood close down, he leaves without saying a word. Cas has already turned towards the front door as he walks up to it. That's it, he thinks.

The night wasn't easy on Cas. He never felt so heartbroken in his life. He had ruined everything. They had a friendship, that was enough. It should have been. As much as he tries to distract himself from the guilt, he keeps turning and tossing in bed without actually getting any sleep. The next morning comes too fast, he realizes as soon as he opens his eyes. He feels better about the situation. They have known each other for so long. You can't erase something like that in one night. Maybe he will apologize and everything will turn back to normal.

Until it doesn't. No one is waiting for him outside Dean's house. Nobody he knows is in his maths class. It dawns on him. Dean's not even in school. He saw the Impala in his alleyway, there's no way John took them with him again.

He's concerned, it's not like Dean at all to skip school while his friends are all here. Sometimes he does, but only to hang out with them smoking weed laying on someone's pick-up.

Cas is concerned, can't concentrate on anything but what he did to Dean. Evidently the teacher notices. Cas is the only one that usually follows the lesson. "Castiel, are you with us today?". Silence. "Not really, no" he blurts out finally, surprised of the words coming out of his mouth.

He takes his backpack and runs out of the classroom. He has never run so fast in his whole life, he gets to Dean's house in seconds, even if it feels like an eternity. He knocks on the door insistently until someone opens up. "Hey! Castiel, Dean has told me 'bout you, ya know? What can I do for ya?" a drunk voice greets him. "Where's Dean?" He asks with the deepest voice he has. "The poor boy doesn't feel well today, you'll have to wait for you boyfriend until his fever passes".Cas' heart skips a beat when he hears the word boyfriend, until he realizes it's supposed to be a joke. That's a blatant lie, but Cas doesn't want to argue with a drunk John. So he just leaves. Takes out a gum wrapper from his pocket, and writes a note for Dean. "I'm sorry" it simply reads. He leaves it on Dean's bike and comes back home.

The day after Dean's at school, but he might as well not be. It's like Cas stopped existing for Dean. He doesn't acknowledge his presence at all, like he has become invisible to Dean's eyes overnight.

It's tough getting used to. A week passes, and Cas' friends start noticing that he's not hanging out with Mr.Promking anymore. At lunch they tease him: "Why don't you tell us what happened, Cas?" asks Charlie. "You promised you were going to set me up on a date! Ugh" "You were so close before, did you like murder his family or sumthing?". Cas might has well have done it and Dean would have probably reserved him a better treatment. Cas avoids these questions at all costs. He's trying to forget. Him, his feelings, everything. He must say, feeling invisible does help. It makes it seem like it never happened. Like their friendship was all in his head all along.

At home, his parents, usually very quiet and easy on him, keep asking what's wrong. He barely eats, sleeps or stops to think, to be honest. That's probably the worst he has ever felt, he thinks.

Dean is very determined when he's focused on a goal. He acts as normal as he can at home, trying not to raise any red flags. He acts normal in school, joking around with his friends, and being extra flirty with Anna, which he has to admit, comes out pretty naturally to him. Dean knows that's not the right way to handle this, but he never knew any better. He has no choice but to do this, he tells himself. He does not want a choice, because he cannot make that choice. But he does have an option. He realizes it every time he sees Cas' black eye bags, every day deeper and sadder. He knows he's the reason behind those, and it kills him. Dean cannot stand hurting the people he cares about. So he takes a simple detour around the problem: convince himself he never cared about Cas.

After a couple of weeks, Dean gets into the routine, and thinks he's fine, after all.

Doesn't matter if all of the feelings he keeps shoved down haunt him at night, when he is alone and doesn't need to put up a facade like he does for everyone else. That's the price to pay, and he's willing to accept it. He can do this. Just forget about it. Forget about him.

Castiel is petrified. He has never been so scared in his life. And he can't do absolutely nothing about it. The news hits him like a thunderbolt. Mom. She's sick. Terminal, in fact. His parents managed to keep it a secret from him for weeks. He's never been this angry. And depressed. He just does not know how to take it, or if he can at all. That's the worst thing that could ever happen to him. To anyone. Cas never cries. He doesn't realize the tears flowing down his cheek until his neck feels damp. Mom is laying on the couch. He gets on both knees and hugs her. He doesn't know if it's for the last time.

Since that day, they spend so much time together, Cas feels like he could never live without her. They have breakfast outside, on the porch, like a happy family. They watch movies and fall asleep on the couch. They play table games on family reunions. Lay down on the grass on a sunny May morning while reading a book. They're happy. Cas doesn't understand what they were doing before this. It's not like they weren't happy, but they definitely never used the time they got together to the full extent. They try to make up for it, that's all they can do now.

Then the ides of May come, and Cas' mom leaves in her sleep. It's a peaceful death, everyone says. He thinks death is anything but peaceful, for the people that stay. Cas doesn't know what to say, what to do. And that's exactly why he says and does nothing. At the viewing there's all Cas' family, friends and neighbors. His dad invites John and his boys, too. Cas doesn't even notice.

He stays in the room where his mom's casket is placed. In the middle. Like the hole her absence left in Cas' heart.

He leaves only to cry quietly in the bathroom stall. Once he gets back, he can see the shadow of a man over the casket.

As soon as he enters the room, rage fills him up from the inside, he takes Dean by the shoulders and turns him around violently. "What the hell are you doing in here?"

"Hey Cas, I'm sorry, I just wanted to pay my respects to her...She was a nice woman, and a great mom. She was mine's too…a bit". She'd always loved to have both the Winchester brothers over, for the entire weekend even, she would take care of them like they were her own. She helped John alot, after Dean's mom died. That wasn't enough to stop John from spiraling into madness and alcoholism.

"You. You. How dare you come here after six months of silence? You didn't even bothered to call my dad once even though you knew she was sick" Dean has never seen eyes filled to the brim with rage. He'd never thought Cas could look at him like that. "I didn't know she was…" Cas doesn't even let him speak. "Shut up. You need to shut up , and leave. I don't want to see you ever again. Have I been clear enough?" Cas frees him from the tight grip on his shoulders. Dean is hurt, but won't let Cas see that. So he turns around before crying his eyes out. He managed not only to lose his best friend, but also the only motherly figure he ever had after mom's passing.

Dean's at a party. He's aware of that much. The 2nd party that weekend only. He knows he's feeling hot, very hot actually, and that's a good sign. The alcohol is kicking in. That's exactly what he needs, he thinks. It's the end of September and one of Dean's teammates birthday. It's a great party, not only because there's so much alcohol they could fill up the pool with it, but because there's girls. Many of them. Dean scours his surroundings to find one that looks drunk enough to overlook the fact that he's blatantly behaving like an idiot. There's so many people in this house, he wouldn't believe it's possible to fit that many high-schoolers in a square feet. He notices an outsider in the room, someone that seems like he'd be more at ease in a torture chamber than right where he's standing. Dean could spot him anywhere in miles. He's surprised to see him here. In the lasts 3 weeks he has been to six parties and he was in none of them. He would have noticed, as he has a built-in Castiel radar.

Deans focuses back on his distraction. He finds his prey: she's dancing alone in the kitchen, drink in hand, looking a mess. She's cute, he thinks. Dean gets closer to her and starts flirting like a jerk.

Dean knows that's not him. He would never take advantage of a tipsy girl to get her into his pants. He knows he can, and that they are willing because of his good looks. Because today's a lost cause,"Fuck it" he thinks, and acts on it.

He'll be regretting this in the morning. It's not like he doesn't know, cause it's definitely not the first time he's done this. The last couple of weeks have been tough, and Dean needed to let go of the constraints he holds himself up to for a couple of hours.

As they're talking, Dean gets the feeling that they're going somewhere. So when his friends find him after hours spent looking for him, they take a single look at the state he's in, and leave him by himself.

Dean's still flirting with the girl, holding her chin up with two fingers, when he feels a strong arm lift him up from the side, keeping him straight.

A familiar voice rings trough Dean's drunk ears:"I think it's time to go, Dean". Cas turns his face to see Dean's startled face, cheeks red from the alcohol and watery eyes.

"Cas, who told you to do this? I don't want to go home. Leave me"

"Uhm, let me think, no, no fucking way"

"Why are you acting like a douche? I'm with a girl"

"Oh yeah right. Sweety, go find someone else to screw tonight. Dean's already fucked up, as you can very well see for yourself". The girl, visibly shook, doesn't even reply and leaves them alone.

"Why did you do it cas, she was fire. So now what? You took away all of the fun. Want a drink?"

Cas is incredulous. "Dean, i don't know how much you drank but I'm sure it's more than enough. You'll regret this in the morning, are you aware?". Judging by Dean's face, Cas' impression is that he has gotten through a little bit.

" I… Yes. I've done this before… A lot recently. It just feels so good now Cas".

"I know, but it's not worth it, won't help you in the long run, tomorrow you'll feel 30x more like shit". Dean doesn't say anything and doesn't put up a fight when Cas orders: "Let's go home".

Struggling to keep Dean on his feet, Cas manages to get him out of the front door and into the lawn. Then they head straight to his car parked on the side of the road. It's a small car that dad got him for his birthday. It's second hand, but it gets the job done. Cas doesn't ask for anything more.

Dean, instead, starts groaning as soon as he realizes which car they're heading towards.

"Where are we going" Dean asks again. "Home. I told you". "But you can't leave Baby here". That's the first sentence Dean has managed to speak without his tongue tangling. Cas shakes his head at this idiot willing to act sober only when the matter it's his car. "If you didn't notice, you're drunk off your ass, dummy. I wouldn't let you drive if my life depended on it". Dean stops and tries to wiggle out of Cas' grip. Cas doesn't even budge. He might not be stronger that sober Dean, bit his wide frame is definitely enough to keep drunk Dean where he stands. He bargains a little. "Tomorrow I'll drive you to get her back. Now please, collaborate. Or I might have to leave you here to sleep on the lawn like your friends did".

"My friends…. Aw Shit". Dean now just looks sad. "Get in, come on"

"Wtf is this car?"

"It's my car Dean, will you shut up? I'm tired". Dean gets inside with a groan. It's almost an hour drive, since they're in a cabin in the woods. After five minutes avoiding to look at each other, Cas turns his attention towards Dean. He fell asleep. Great, he thinks. At least he doesn't have to deal with his incoherent thoughts all throughout the ride. He probably won't even remember this in the morning. Cas doesn't know what to believe. Drunk Dean might be not as feisty as he imagined, but he knows it's too late to fix this. Neither of them wants to anyway. Tomorrow they'll go back to strangers, and that's for the best.

Cas is 10 minutes away from Dean's house when a grunting noise lets him know that Dean's awake.

When he opens his eyes, Dean's confused, and Cas realizes that he's slept away some of the booze. He just feels more present, more there.

Dean must remember at least vaguely getting into Cas' car, because he asks "Why are you taking me home?". "Dean, we've talked about this, you can't drive". Cas knows that's not quite what he means, but tries to diverge the question anyway.

"You know this ain't gonna change anything". Jeez, that's not the bluntness level he expected. It hurts quite a bit, even after a year. "Maybe you're projecting your expectations onto me, Dean". Sass is the only way Cas can get out of this conversation.

"No. I mean…"

Cas can't hear it anymore, so he tries and shut Dean up. "I don't want anything to change, alright?" Silence.

"Have you told anyone?". Cas is petrified, doesn't know the Dean in front of him anymore. He's scared of what he could do. Maybe it was a bad idea, he should have left him at the party. He decides to take a leap of faith and tell the truth. If Dean doesn't want to hear it, he's ready… he's tired. It can't get worse than this, he thinks to himself.

"I've told my mom about, you know, liking guys…And the kiss". Dean didn't expect this. His body shifts nervously. "She's dead so… it's not like it matters. Are you happy now?" Cas continues.

He will never mention his mom reaction to his confession. She was completely unperturbed the whole time, and didn't say anything at all until he finished recounting the events out loud, for the first time. It felt so liberating. It reminded him that it wasn't just a dream, and that Dean's lips, have, in fact, willingly touched his own.

"Castiel" She never used his full name. Everyone happily took up the nickname Dean himself gave him when he was 6. And because Dean made it up, Cas didn't mind at all.

"I'm telling you. That boy is more into deep than you are. I'm not here to tell you that's going to be easy, but if you want my opinion, I'd say it's worth it. I've seen the way he looks at you. You'd have to be blind not to notice. Whether he's ready to accept it or not".

Dean can't be mad at that. And he isn't. But he's not ready to give up. Before he can say anything, Cas bites back: "Have you?"

"Um, no, of course not. There's nothing to talk about. I don't like guys". That's some bullshit he's telling himself, Cas wants to say. But it's not his place to say that. If Dean doesn't want to make this right, and is so aggressive about it, whatever. Neither does he.

"Sure, Dean" he says with (maybe too much of) a condescending tone. He's not happy with Dean's dull reaction, and adds "You really shouldn't drink this much, Dean. You're going to end up like your father". He regrets the words as soon as he pronounces them. He's aware that at this point, he just wants to hurt Dean as much as he hurt him. He's ashamed of himself.

Dean is shocked Cas actually said that. He knows it's the truth, but to hear that his behavior is so crystal clear to him is embarrassing, really. "You're such a dick. You know I can't end up like him. You know what I've been through, and yet" He shouts . He has lost control. Dean shifts from his seat as Cas is pulling up to his house. He projects towards Cas, rage spilling out of his eyes. "How dare you judge me. It's a low blow, from you. I'll never be like him. Never. What you did, led me to this, so don't act like you're the savior of the situation"

Cas feels bad, but he needs to get Dean out of his head space, he needs to get through to him. "Oh yeah right, I forgot that showing you that I care doesn't help"

After a long pause, Dean, unexpectedly, breaks down. His tone is still full of wrath but now Castiel can feel an undertone of defeat, of despair. "Cas, I can't do this. I won't. You don't know what it's like in my shoes. I do not have anyone to support me. And you come here all condescending trying to teach me how to live. I'm used to being on my own, I deal with stuff like this my way. Always did…Please stop caring. I won't change. This is the way it works for me. If it ain't broken, don't fix it". He's raising his voice to make up for the tears he's letting out. Cas has never seen Dean cry. Not once. They stay there, in silence, Dean sobbing quietly. When he recomposes himself, Cas turns towards him. Dean's eyes are swollen and sad, his eyelashes damp and his jaw clenched to hide the shaking.

Cas breaks out of the shell he built up to protect himself from Dean. What he did pushed him to the edge, but something shifted. It reminds him of the Dean that came to their house to sleep in for the first time, the night his mother died. Shivering and helpless.

"Dean, I'm sorry. I didn't ask for this, you didn't. I'm not here to teach you a lesson, I don't care. I'm no better than you, like, at all, Dean. You're great at keeping it together. But I know you can't go on like this. You need someone to help you. You have to let someone in. I'm here to be that person, to take my spot back. I'm here if you need me. Like I've always been. Nothing has to change, I promise". Dean seems to calm down. He feels relieved, for the first time in a year. He feels like the burden he carries is no more completely on his shoulders. Cas never stopped caring. Neither did he, even if he tried with every atom in his body. He forgot how good it felt to be understood.

Dean doesn't say anything in return but feels like Cas still got the message. Once he gets out of the car, he turns back to lean on the half-opened windshield. "You need help?" Cas asks. Dean doesn't even hear him for a moment. He blames it on the little alcohol left in his system, but Cas closeness has awakened something that he thought was lost. Looking deep inside those bright blue eyes, he says "Nah. I'm 99% sure i can make it to the front door at least". "Let me be the judge of that" Cas replies.

Dean walks away, letting out a soft "Night, Cas" with a puff of air. Once Dean's safe, Cas finds his way home.

They haven't made any plan to rescue Baby yet, so Cas is surprised to find Dean knocking on his front door first thing in the morning. Looking through the colorful glass that surrounds the doorframe, he sees an unmistakably sleepy Dean, yawning, standing there like it's the rightful place to be at 7am on a Sunday. Cas slowly opens the door, still half-asleep.

The sight that unfolds below Dean's eyes is quite something. Cas, naked from the waist up, with his sweatpants rolled down below his hip dips, scruffy dark hair and an irritable expression on this face, stretching his arms out.

"Did… Did I wake you up?"

"You cannot convince me you didn't do it on purpose"

Cas' voice is deep and raspy. Some of yesterday's softness it's gone. He hopes it's just because he came way too early.

He decides he's going to embrace the same annoying tone, even if he can't afford it after yesterday night. Cas's doing so much for Dean. He did nothing to deserve it.

"I already know why you're here. Gimme a sec" Cas runs up the stairs. "Oh, there's some bacon and eggs on the kitchen table, if you want some". Dean drools at the single thought of it, but he doesn't feel comfortable accepting. He stays outside until Cas comes back down, fully clothed this time.

"Let's get this over with". Cas announces.

Cas' car is not half as bad as Dean expected. It's well taken care of, and has a great sound system. Without asking, he opens the glove compartment to look for a cassette to listen to. Once Cas realizes what's about to happen, he tries to warn him, but it's too late. What Dean finds there was the last thing he'd expected.

"Well, fuck" mutters Cas.

"I'm sorry Cas, damn… I thought you'd keep the music in there. Shit" Dean tries to excuse himself as he scrambles to put back the condoms and lube back into the compartment.

"I never let anyone in the car, I didn't think about… Whatever"

"It's not my business, Cas" Says Dean abruptly.

Dean realizes right away what that sounded like to Cas, but now it's too late to take it back. They're 17, I mean, Cas is allowed to do whatever he wants to, with whoever he wants to. He recounts of all the times he'd tell Cas of a girl he'd been with. Cas never mentioned anyone. Looking back, he sees why. He's more angry Cas didn't tell him anything. How long has this been going on?

Dean didn't want to find out like this. That's why he replied so angrily. Too late to explain now.

Cas, tensed up and slightly embarrassed, keeps staring straight ahead, trying not to lock eyes with Dean. He takes a tape from the door's side compartment and jams it in, until music is covering the uncomfortable silence.

Dean turns to him, tries somehow to make this better, wants to. Nothing comes out.

The one hour drive literally felt four times as long, but at last they see the cabin.

The Impala is the only car still there, shining like onyx under the sunlight. Well, now Cas is really at a loss for words.

He realizes they have no reason to meet again, and if Dean doesn't take a step forward, Cas would have no choice but to step aside, and leave him alone. Forever, this time.

Still, he doesn't know what to say to convince Dean that he now more than ever needs him in his life. Or maybe that's was Cas would like Dean to finally confess. But after the stunt from before, he's sure he scared the man shitless.

As he's lost in his thoughts, Dean's goes out of sight, the Impala is still right there.

Cas gets out of the car, calls out for him. A faint response leads him in the steep crevasse in between the cabin's backyard and the river underneath. As soon as Cas comes into view, Dean points his finger towards something in the ground. Cas accelerates his pace.

"Cas, look… it's blood". He says with a serious expression. "Yeah, Dean, what's new. Two of your teammates probably got into a fight yesterday about who has the biggest dick. Even if I would say it's more a question of who is the biggest dick"

"Cas, this is not funny. It's a fucking trail. Look! There's another trace there"

They follow the many traces left all around the 150 feet that connect the cabin to the spot by the river where all of the canoes for the rapids are kept. They don't even have to look that hard, the blood is everywhere. On the ground, up the trees. On a tennis shoe by the kayak. They look at each other in utter shock and fear. They don't want to know what comes next.

They keep looking for the next 10 minutes but nothing. It's like whatever was losing all of that blood just vanished.

They decide it was probably just an animal. And the shoe, well the shoe could have been of the party's own Cinderella girl. Everyone goes to that well hidden spot to hook up anyways. It's no secret.

They laugh it off, go back to where they left the vehicles, and say goodbye.

As Dean pulls out before him, Cas sees him enthusiastically shake his head to the beat of Highway to hell.


End file.
